


30 Days to Fall

by kawaiikanai



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Angel!Phil, Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Blood, Bullying, Fluff, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-04-06
Packaged: 2018-03-21 14:17:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3695474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawaiikanai/pseuds/kawaiikanai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan’s scraped by in life, never really enjoying it due to persistent bullies, stern parents, and loneliness. When a mysterious man from his past tells him he only has 30 days left to live, he finally takes the initiative to make the best of what time he has left.</p><p>Written for the Phandom Big Bang 2014</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

-30 days-

When Dan was little he had a special friend. He was really tall and skinny and had fluffy black hair that Dan always wanted to touch. The thing was, though, that he couldn’t touch him. His hand would always go right through him and he asked him if he was a ghost but he said no and Dan believed him. No one else could see him, but Dan didn’t mind because that’s what made him special. He was just for him.

He was Dan’s only friend, honestly. He tried to be friendly with the other kids in the neighborhood, but they showed no interest in him. They’d ignore him or push him down into the mud and he’d go home and get scolded for getting dirty. After a while, he gave up trying.

He just stayed home, talking with his special friend, who always agreed that the other kids were mean and his parents didn’t listen enough. He understood Dan. He’d take his mind off of things by telling him stories of where he was from and the people there. Dan told him he wanted to go there someday but he said he shouldn’t until he’s a lot older.

Dan told him stories too; made up ones since his life was really boring. He’d sit there and listen like no one else would, actually paying attention and asking questions. He made Dan happy. He made him feel loved. He didn’t care that people thought he was weird because they thought he was talking to himself. All that mattered was his friend. Dan wanted him to stay with him forever.

One day, on his seventh birthday, he vanished. Dan called for him countless times, but even when the bullying got worse and his parents split up and he felt so useless he ended up punishing himself for merely existing, he didn’t return. Dan was truly alone for the first time in his life.

As the years went on Dan realized that his ‘special friend’ was imaginary. A figment of his childhood imagination to combat his loneliness. Losing his imaginary friend was just a part of growing up, and Dan soon forgot all about him.

So, why is he here now? Did the blow to his head he just took from John rattle something loose? Dan must be hallucinating because there he is, his imaginary friend, a pained look on his face as Dan lies there getting the shit kicked out of him by John and Derek for the third time this month. His jaw is clenched and knuckles white, staring down at Dan’s probably terrible looking face.

He’s surprised he can remember him so vividly. He looks exactly the same as when he was a kid, black hair contrasting against his almost glowing white shirt and feathered over his eyes, as blue as the sky he said he was from. He doesn’t seem as tall as he remembers, though he guesses that’s due to his own growth.

Derek lands one more kick to Dan’s ribs, sending spots of pain into his vision. John then spits in his direction, throwing back a ‘See ya later, Howell’ as they walk away.

Dan lies still, wanting to get up out of the dirt but his body not letting him. His brain buzzes in protest to the pain and he can feel it wanting to shut down, needing to sleep and be numb.

His imaginary friend comes closer now, kneeling beside him. His hand goes to Dan’s face but he doesn’t feel it, his eyes sad and scanning over his broken body. Before Dan’s eyes flutter shut he hears his voice ring with pity as he says Dan’s name, the sound familiar and soothing as he drifts off.

~

Dan is jostled awake by a bony hand on his shoulder, forcing him to open his eyes. The grey sky greets him as well as the face of an older woman, silver hair covered with a colorful shawl. “Oh, thank goodness you’re awake, dear.” she smiles, “I was about to call A&E. Are you alright?”

Dan sits up slowly, ribs almost creaking with the strain. His head swims, trying to recollect what happened. Obviously he was beaten up again, of that much he’s certain. He feels like there was something else that happened, though. Something important. He holds his head, closing his eyes and trying to will away the throbbing in his temples so he can think.

His eyes shoot open, looking around the area. That’s right. There was someone else here. A witness to his beating. As Dan finally twists around behind him, ignoring the pain in his sides, he spots him leaning against a tree. He stares at Dan, arms crossed and face weary. Dan shakily stands up, not taking his eyes off of him, like he may disappear again at any moment.

“Young man?” The lady calls but Dan doesn’t reply, continuing towards the man in white.

He just stares back, gaze flickering over Dan’s face. He seems calm at first but as Dan draws closer, eyes locked, the man’s face turns to confusion. He finally stops just a few paces in front of him, the man’s lips parting in awe.

“Can you see me?” He speaks and the voice is even clearer now and an instant sense of familiarity washes over Dan.

Dan nods and the man stands up straight, making Dan take a step back.

The man looks like he’s about to cry, from joy or sorrow Dan can’t tell. “Do you remember me?” His voice trembles.

“Of course.” Dan replies bitterly.

“What, dear?” The lady asks, Dan forgetting she was even still there.

“Nothing, mum.” He says, plastering a small smile on his face. She insists that he should go to the emergency room but he refuses, saying he’s fine and that he’ll head home soon. Hesitantly, she leaves, Dan and the man before him finally able to speak.

The man just stares at him again, eyes now alight and smile weary. “Dan, it’s so good to be able to talk with you again. You don’t-“

“Stop.” Dan holds up his hand and the man’s face falters. This man isn’t real; he really shouldn’t be talking to him. “Go away before people think I’m crazy again.”

The man puts out his hands. “Dan-“

“Stop saying my name!” Dan covers his ears and shuts his eyes tight. How dare this man even utter his name with the same care as he used to. He left him so long ago, what right does he have to just come back all of the sudden? With every word he speaks he can feel the prison in his mind where he’s kept all memories and thoughts of him locked away where they can’t harm him shake and bend. Those bars have kept him out of therapy and need to stay there. “I know you’re not really there, so just go away.”

The man steps forward but Dan is too paralyzed to move away. “Do you not remember me correctly? Remember my name?”

Dan bites his lip, the name fighting up his throat and burning to get out. “Phil.” He croaks.

The man smiles softly, “It’s weird to hear you say my name after all this time. Your voice is a lot deeper now.”

“Please… go away.” Dan opens his eyes and drops his arms, turning around and walking in the direction of home.

“Dan, wait.” Phil catches up to Dan and he sees that he’s floating just a few centimeters above the ground. He used to think it was so cool that he did that, now it’s just unsettling.

“See?” Dan points to the ground that Phil should be touching, not slowing his pace. “You’re just my imagination.”

“Imagination?” Phil’s face screws up for a moment, confused, then realizes what Dan means. “That’s what you’ve been telling yourself, huh?”

“You’re my imaginary friend. That kick to the head must have messed me up or something.” Dan rubs at his temples, trying to will Phil away but it’s obviously not working.

Phil comes to float in front of Dan, making him stop in his path. “Come on, Dan. Try to remember correctly. It’s important.”

“No, what’s important is me getting home and getting some rest before I pass out again. I have a headache and you aren’t helping.” Dan walks past Phil, wishing he wouldn’t follow him anymore but he knows he will. He can almost sense Phil behind him. He just wants to go back to his normal life. That’s what he’s worked on ever since Phil left; being normal. It hasn’t worked out so well, but Phil being back definitely won’t help.

“Dan…” Phil mumbles behind him, “You only have 30 days left.”

Dan stops again, now turning to look at Phil who for the first time won’t look at him. “What?”

“The reason why you can see me again…” His voice is gravelly, seeming to choke up the words. “You only have 30 days left in your lifespan.”

Dan must be more morbid than he thought for his imagination to be thinking up this scenario. 30 days to live? Although, at times he’s thought he’d only had minutes, 30 days is still a short amount of time. Dan’s fingers instinctively go to his wrist rubbing at the many lines across it, wanting to itch it at the thought of himself dying. “Really now?” He throws on a smirk, covering up his shaking. “And how would you know that?”

“I told you before when we use to play together.” His mouth twitches into a smile at the memory, then quickly falls again. “I’m your guardian angel.”

“Some angel you are,” Dan huffs, almost seeing his words stinging Phil, “you left me.”

“I never left you, Dan. Not for long.” Phil glides closer but Dan holds his ground. “Heaven only made me leave you until you stopped believing in me; then I came back and have been watching over you since.”

“So, you just came back an hour ago?”

“No, I came back just a few months after your seventh birthday,” Phil mumbles, “when you stopped calling for me.”

Dan shakes his head. “I only started seeing you about an hour ago.”

“I’ve always been next to you, Dan. You could see me when you were young because of your child mind and your belief that I was real.” Phil explains, “Then Heaven made me leave. Once they were convinced you had forgotten me and couldn’t see me anymore, I was able to watch over you again.”

Dan’s ears ring and before he knows what he’s doing he’s picked up a rock and chucked it at Phil, watching as it goes right through Phil, hitting the ground with a clack. Dan knew it wouldn’t hurt him. Phil had explained long ago that he can only pick up certain unimportant objects and anything he isn’t concentrating on won’t touch him.

“You were there all along? You’ve been there and done nothing?” All the suffering and loneliness Dan’s felt and Phil’s been within arm’s reach the whole time, just watching?

“I couldn’t do anything or I would have, I swear.” Phil pleads, moving closer to Dan again but Dan picks up another useless rock and throws it, again not hurting him but wishing it did.

“You’re a liar! You said you’d always be there for me then you left me! You said-“ Dan chokes up and realizes he’s crying. He sniffs, wiping at his eyes before the tears sting the scratches on his face.

“Dan, I-“

“I hate you.” Dan turns, holding himself as he walks the rest of the way home, knowing Phil is still following him but pretends he isn’t.

The rest of the night is silent, Dan ignoring the fact that Phil is there, constantly watching from the chair near his window. It makes Dan wonder if that’s where he always sits and the thought of Phil always there is a little unnerving. Still, he falls asleep with the feeling of Phil’s eyes on his back and for the first time in a long time he has a good dream instead of bad.

-29 days-

Dan’s parents are in the front yard talking up the neighbors, leaving him to his own devices. They usually let him roam around the backyard a lot so he’s not noisy and annoying in the house. He’s brought a big blanket out into the yard, Phil instructing him to lay it out flat on the grass. Dan unfolds it and makes sure it’s out all the way before plopping down in the middle, looking up at Phil with a giggle.

Phil comes down and grabs up the ends of the blanket tightly and hoists Dan off the ground, making it hard for Dan to sit still but he tries to not wiggle too much. Dan counts him down, and when he gets to one Phil swings Dan forward, making him tip back in the blanket with a squeal. Phil pulls him back and Dan lurches forward, laughter now unstoppable.

Phil keeps swinging him in a big arch, Dan watching as the rays of sun poke through the blanket and once in a while he can see Phil, smiling down at him. He loves Phil so much. He’s so nice and cool and actually pays attention to him. Not only that, but Dan can make him smile and laugh in return. Whenever he hears Phil laugh, he feels happy too. It lets him know that he can at least make one person happy.

Phil begins to twist his arms together, making the blanket twist and spin and make Dan’s tummy hurt, but it’s a good feeling.

Dan feels his stomach drop and realizes he’s falling, a second later hitting the ground with a dull thud, blanket falling on his head. He’s about to ask Phil why he dropped him when he sees the answer. His mom comes storming across the lawn, hands on hips and face stern. “Dan, what are you doing?”

“Playing.”

“No, you’re getting my good blanket all dirty.” His mom’s hand whacks him on the back of his head, making him scramble to get up and off the blanket. She bundles it up and takes it away, leaving Dan standing there with tears in his eyes and his head hurting.

Phil floats down in front of Dan, brows furrowed. “I’m sorry… I got you in trouble.”

Dan shakes his head. “I asked you to. It’s my own fault.”

Phil sighs, his hand going to the back of Dan’s head and Dan can almost feel his warm touch. If only he could. He wishes he could hold Phil’s hand and get warm hugs but he can’t. Phil can’t touch him or anything ‘that will disturb his timeline’, whatever that meant.

“You know that no matter what, I’ll always love you, Dan.” Phil smiles sadly. He holds up his hand, long fingers out flat.

Dan sniffs, smiling back. “I know, Phil. I love you, too.” Dan holds his hand up to where Phil’s is, his hand dwarfed by his. Neither of them can feel the other’s touch, but seeing their hands together is the best they can do. It’s better than nothing.

~

Dan wakes up with a start, hearing rustling by his bookshelf and rolling over to see Phil rummaging through his knick-knacks. He quietly gets up, watching Phil reach towards the back and pull out something lumpy and yellow.

“What is that?” Dan asks, holding himself against the bitter cold of the room.

Phil looks at Dan for a moment before turning back to the figure in his hand. “I thought I’d show you a reminder of our old times together; to prove to you that I’m not the illusion you think I am.” He holds up the thing in his hand and Dan sees that it’s a little animal made from plasticine. “I made this with you when you were six.”

He holds the animal out to Dan; hesitating before holding out his palm to take it. He feels the pressure of Phil pressing the toy into his hand and he has to hold back a breath of amazement. Phil smiles, “I know it looks terrible, but it was supposed to be a lion.”

Dan looks at the creature, it looking more like a yellow dog with a huge disc around its head than a lion. Phil reaches to the back of the shelf again and plucks out another plasticine figure. It’s black and looks like a capital ‘L’ with legs. “That’s my llama.”

“Yes.” Phil smiles, “So, you do remember.”

As much as Dan wants to deny the truth, he does remember Phil. He remembers him for what he truly is and not what the adults drilled into his head. He brushes the layers of dust off the lion’s head, its eyes round black dots staring up at him. This little lion is proof itself that Phil is real. You can’t exactly make plasticine animals with someone imaginary. “I do. I remember what you are.”

Phil seems to relax, all be it wearily. “Thank goodness.”

Dan shuffles his feet, chewing his lip. “So… does that mean what you said yesterday is true?”

Phil is silent, then slowly nods. Dan almost instantly feels his knees buckle, falling to the floor with a flop. Phil kneels in front of him, hands moving towards his face then instead dropping, a pained and longing expression pulling over Phil. “I’m sorry, Dan.”

“Don’t.” Dan clutches at his chest, feeling the panic rise and flow through his body. The absolute crushing sensation that makes it hard to breathe. He glares at Phil, gritting his teeth. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you come back?”

“I-I told you; I’ve always been here. It’s just…” he rakes his fingers through his hair, averting his eyes to the floor. “When people are close to death they can sometimes see things from the other side; spirits, white lights, or even their guardian angel. Your strong connection to me when you were young has made it possible for you to see me now.”

Dan shakes his head, holding down his trembling arms and trying to regulate his breathing. “It’s n-not fair.” He stammers, the waves of heat and fuzziness in his brain making it hard to get the words out. “You were gone. I was over you. Why do I have to see you again now before I die?”

It would have been easier to just accept death as he was before; broken and lonely. Now that he can once again see those crystal blue eyes filled with so much love and his presence bring up all kinds of emotions; his imminent death doesn’t sound as much of a reprieve as it usually does.

Phil holds up his hand, fingers flat, and mumbles Dan’s name. Dan looks up through his fringe, eyes flickering between those deep eyes and the inviting hand before him. “You know that no matter what happens, I’ll always-“

“Don’t.” Dan tries to slap Phil’s hand away but only manages to faze through it, making him sigh through his nose. “I told you; I got over y-you. I… I don’t love you anymore.”

Phil doesn’t say anything, just lowers his hand. Dan carefully stands up, legs barely cooperating as he makes his way back to his bed, dropping the little lion on his nightstand before crawling up to his pillow, too lazy to reach for the duvet. Maybe the cold will numb him in his sleep. He doesn’t get to find out, feeling Phil silently pulling the blanket on for him.

-26 days-

Dan has barely eaten or done anything since Phil told him of his impending fate a few days ago. His mum forces him to go to school, nagging him about getting good grades and preparing for his future. She has no idea that it’s pointless now; but Dan can’t bring himself to tell her. How could he? She’d never believed him anyway.

So, he just silently obeys her, as usual. His feet drag him from class to class; mostly sleeping with his head on the desk but at least they can’t say he’s absent. No one really pays attention to him anyways, unless they want a punching bag. He got pushed into a locker once but that’s been the extent of the harassment lately, luckily. The teachers don’t really care that he hasn’t been turning in work either.

Phil is always there, standing quietly next to his desk. The only time he’s spoken up is when the class was dismissed but Dan hadn’t woken up. Phil checked to see if anyone was looking in their direction then nudged Dan’s notebook against his elbow. Dan sucked in a breath, rubbing his eyes as Phil gently told him class was over. He just nodded, shoving his things into his bag before moving to the next class.

After sitting down, Dan pulls out his notebook again and starts to actually take notes. Phil is glad Dan seems to be out of his funk a bit now. He’s been worrying him so much, trying not to nag at him to eat or study, but he wishes he would. Dan may not have that long left but he should still make the most of what he has. Phil hates to see Dan like this.

Dan looks at Phil for a second, tapping his pencil on his paper. Phil leans down to look, seeing that Dan actually isn’t taking notes.

‘I’m sorry for saying those things…’ It reads, ‘If Heaven made you leave then it’s not your fault.’

Phil’s gaze falls on Dan’s face, guilt mixed with lament from the past few days. Is this what’s been going through his head? He’s sorry for telling Phil he hates him? Maybe he’s finally realized what Phil has told him is the truth.

Phil smiles gratefully. “It’s ok, Dan. I know you were upset; that’s why I’ve let you be while you calmed down and sorted things out.”

Dan nods slightly, pencil hovering over the paper a moment while he thinks.

‘I just don’t know why I have to die so young. Maybe I’m not important…’

Phil sighs, kneeling down next to Dan and leaning an arm on his desk so he can face him. Dan just stares down at his lap, eyes brimming with tears he knows Dan’s trying to hold back. “I don’t know why either, Dan. I’m not supposed to know, only to watch over you.” Dan’s lip trembles and a tear escapes, Dan quickly wipes it away with his sleeve.

He fumbles for his pencil, quickly writing, ‘I’m just so useless even Heaven wants me gone,’ before covering up a cry with a cough.

“Dan,” Phil coos, “look at me.”

Dan holds his stare at his lap, hands gripped together tightly. He has to hold it in; all the emotions surging through him right now. He can’t break down in class or the bullies hearing about it will be the least of his problems. His mom will be notified and she’ll ask him if he needs therapy again and how much money it will cost and god he’s such a burden.

Phil places his hand over Dan’s, wishing he could hold them for real but it still makes Dan look up at him. “Did you ever stop to think that maybe you’re so important and may change the world so much that even Heaven wants to stop you before you can?”

That could never be the case, but Dan appreciates Phil trying to cheer him up. Dan’s never been important to anyone except Phil. He’s always encouraged his ideas and cheered him on. He’s always beside him and even after all the mean things he said he still cares about him. Phil is still here, consoling him and holding his hands. It’s more than Dan could ever ask for.

“What are you looking at, freak?”

Dan’s trance is broken and he takes a look around, all the eyes in the class on him, even the teacher. “S-sorry, what?”

“Over here, stupid.” Dan turns towards Phil who moves aside so Dan can see the girl behind him, scowling. “Why were you staring at me with your mouth hanging open?”

“I- No, I wasn’t.” Although, it must have seemed that way. This whole time he’s been looking at Phil, it’s looked like he’s been staring right through Phil and instead at Ashley, one of the known gossip girls of the school. “I was staring out the window.”

“Right, perv.” The teacher gets on Ashley to ignore Dan and get back to work, making her turn around.

“Maybe we should finish this conversation after school?” Phil suggests, feeling responsible for drawing unwanted attention to Dan and embarrassing him. Dan nods in response before closing his notebook and burying his face in his arms.

~

Dan barely gets through the door before he hears his mum calling for him. He throws his backpack into his room before finding her in the backyard, stubbornly pulling weeds. “Yeah mum?”

She points to the umbrella covered table by the side of the house, not looking up from her work. “Explain.”

Dan walks over to the table, finding a folded paper waiting on top. He opens it and finds it’s his report card for the month, the boxes all filled with a variation of C- to C+. He just stares at it blankly, knowing there’s no excuse he can make to get out of trouble.

His mom stands up, taking off her gardening gloves and coming towards him. Dan tenses and Phil moves closer to him, placing a hand near his arm. His mom stops in front of him, tossing her gloves onto the table before crossing her arms, looking down her nose at him. “Well?”

All he can do is shrug.

She throws her arms up in frustration, shaking her head. “What is wrong with you? Do you not care about your future at all?” She goes on and on about university and getting a part time job soon and moving out because he’s definitely not staying here forever and Dan just takes it. Every word makes him feel more and more useless and stupid and all he can do is listen. It drills deep into his heart and chips away at what little self-confidence he has left, leaving him feeling empty and shattered.

She finally rips the paper out of his hands, smacking him on the side of the head before telling him to get out of her sight. Dan does so, locking himself in the bathroom.

Phil knows what Dan’s mum’s words do to him and he tries to comfort him but Dan won’t listen. His hand stays on the spot where his mum hit him, pulling his hair and making the stinging worse. “I told you, Phil. I’m useless.”

“Dan-“

“Shut up.” Dan growls through clenched teeth, “Go away.”

“No. I know what you want to do and I don’t want you to.”

“Too bad.” Dan opens the cupboard under the sink and feels around the back of the connecting drawer on the side to find where he’s taped his razor. He peels it away and looks at it, the light above gleaming off of it and reflecting Dan’s disgusted face back at him. Of course he doesn’t want to do this, but he feels he has to.

Phil can feel his chest tightening. “Dan, I’m begging you, don’t do this to yourself.”

“Why?” He asks while stepping into the empty tub, sitting cross-legged in front of the drain. “I deserve it.”

“No, you don’t! Listen to me.” Phil comes down next to the tub, wishing he could pluck the razor from his hands. “Your mum just wants you to have a good future but-“

“I don’t care! All she’s ever done is point out everything I do wrong!”

“Dan, please. That doesn’t mean you have to-“

“What are you going to do? Stop me?” Dan taunts, bringing the razor closer to his arm.

“I-“ Dan doesn’t realize how many times Phil has had to watch him do this. How many times he’s tried grabbing the razor or Dan’s arm and stopping him from making more scars. He’s begged and pleaded for Dan to stop, knowing he couldn’t be heard but it was the only thing he could do. There are so many scars; each one from a moment of weakness and self-hatred and Phil wishes Dan could see himself like Phil does. “I can’t.”

“No,” Dan mumbles, “you can’t.” He presses the blades down and quickly flicks his wrist, the sting sending a shock up his arm and he drops the razor to cover his mouth. He’s earned this pain just like he earned the hit from his mother. He’s so useless and stupid and no wonder his dad left and his mum hates him. Everything he does just ends up failing and causing more trouble for everyone and the blood running down the drain is his payment.

He feels sick and weak, leaning against the tile wall and closing his eyes, waiting for the flow to stop so he can get out and go to bed early. Doing this really exhausts him. Hell, doing anything makes him tired. He barely has enough energy to just get out of bed now, any motivation left in his life was drained by Phil’s news. He should just lie in bed until it’s time to die. At least he wouldn’t upset anyone or anything. The longer he sits there in the tub the more and more wonderful the notion sounds. Just dying peacefully in his sleep. It’s the best way to go, really.

Dan feels a warmth on his arm and he opens his eyes. His breath catches, Phil’s face lined with traces of tears and concentrating on his hands which are placed over Dan’s arm. They glow with a familiar white light and are making Dan’s arm tingle with heat. “What…”

Phil shakes his head, eyes not breaking their focus. “I can’t sit by and watch anymore. I can’t.”

“Phil… You’ve-“ That’s right. Phil’s always been there, even when Dan has felt the most alone. He’s witnessed all of Dan’s breakdowns and fits and could only stand by and watch. Dan winces and looks down at his arm, now itchy and desperately wanting to scratch it but he holds still until Phil’s hands finally stop glowing and he pulls away, looking just as tired as Dan feels. His arm is left unscathed, no more cut skin or blood. Not even one scar left. Phil has completely healed him. “But…”

“I couldn’t just watch anymore.” He knows he shouldn’t have done that, but right now he doesn’t care. He’d heal all of Dan’s wounds if he could. He’d scoop Dan up and hold him and tell him to never look down on himself again. “Dan. Promise me you won’t cut anymore.”

Dan just stares at Phil, running his fingers over his smooth skin. His arm is clear of marks for the first time in years and it feels surreal; like this arm isn’t even his. “Phil-“

“Promise me.” Phil orders.

Dan hesitates, then nods. Phil holds out his palm, and Dan gulps, grabbing the blade from the bottom of the tub and holding it over Phil’s hand. Letting out one more shaky breath, he drops it, the metal landing in Phil’s hand. Now Phil can trust Dan’s word; otherwise the razor would have gone right through.

Phil visually relaxes and Dan gingerly climbs out of the tub, starting to clean up his mess. Phil watches as Dan washes his face, trying to clear away the sleepy feeling in his eyes but to no avail.

Dan heads to his room and Phil starts to follow but is stopped in the doorway, a twinge crawling up his spine and settling in his shoulder blades. He’s never felt anything like this in his time on Earth, the dull pain almost pulsing along his upper back. He ignores it for now, taking his seat by the window as Dan crawls into bed. It only takes a few minutes for Dan to fall asleep, his duvet rising and falling with his breathing and Phil dreads the day when that motion will stop.

-25 days-

His parents have just gotten a new refrigerator and he quickly asked for the box before they could throw it away. He drags it out to the yard and colors all over it with marker, stars and spirals and even a dragon breathing fire. He gazes over his masterpiece before climbing inside after Phil, closing the flaps behind him and plunging them into darkness.

“It’s pretty dark in here, huh?” Phil asks, his voice bodiless in the shadows.

“Yeah, but I’m brave so I’m not scared.” Dan boasts, wanting to sound mature. He always feel especially young around Phil.

“Really?” Phil doubts, “Not even a little?”

“Well,” Dan never lies to Phil. Phil always tells Dan the truth unless he says he can’t, but Dan understands. He doesn’t want to get Phil in trouble with his boss or anything. “Maybe a little.”

Phil chuckles. “I thought you might be. Want to see something cool?”

“Yeah!” Phil always did cool stuff like floating. Dan wishes he could do that.

Suddenly, the box fills with light and Dan can see Phil’s goofy grin again. The soft light comes from Phil’s outstretched hand, like it’s holding an invisible flame. Dan can only stare in awe.

“It’s ok to be scared sometimes. Even I can get scared.” Phil tells him, “Just remember I’ll always be here for you.”

“You get scared?” Dan didn’t really think Phil could get scared. He’s too cool for that.

“Sometimes.” He admits, “But it’s not of the usual monsters or the dark like you.”

Dan giggles, hand moving towards Phil’s, feeling the heat radiating off of him. “You really are magical.”

“You could say that.”

“What else can you do?” Dan bounces up and down, head hitting the top of the box.

“Hmmm, well besides floating and the hand-thing, not much else. I’m not as strong as other angels, so my powers are limited.”

“You’re the strongest person I know! There are others stronger than you?” Dan couldn’t imagine what the other angels could do. Maybe turn into dragons or shoot lightning from their hands.

“Honestly, Dan?” Phil sighs, “People don’t really like me in heaven so they don’t trust me with a lot of things like powers. They think I’m weird.”

Dan frowns, looking at his bare, dirty feet. “People think I’m weird, too.”

“But that’s why I like you.” Dan looks back up at Phil and sees his usual loving smile, making him smile, too. “Let’s be weird together, ok? That way we won’t feel so alone.”

“Ok!” Dan agrees.

He hears his mom calling him, telling him it’s dinner time and he shouts back that he’ll be there in a minute. There are footsteps in the grass and Phil turns off his light, making the box dark again.

“I meant ‘now’.” His mom opens the box roughly, one of the flaps tearing and she pulls him out into the unforgiving sunlight.

~

Dan wakes up to see Phil looking out the window as always, stretching his back like he’s just woken up. He says good morning and Phil is startled. “I didn’t know you were awake.” He admits, turning towards him, “Good morning. Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah.” His dream was another warm memory of Phil, making his head fuzzy. Once the dream state starts to clear and the memories from just yesterday begin to play through his head he sits up, pulling the duvet towards him. “Phil?”

“Yeah?”

He tries to make the words come out but they’re hard to say. He says them all the time; so why are they so hard to say to Phil? “I… I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was so stupid.”

Phil comes over to sit next to him, the bed actually shifting as it’s weighed down. “What matters is that you won’t be doing it anymore; and I’m proud of you for that.”

“You’re… proud of me?” Dan’s never had anyone say that to him. The words don’t seem right being directed at him.

“Of course I am. I always have been.” Phil shrugs, “You used to be, too.”

Dan hasn’t been proud of himself in a long time. Last time he can remember was a few days before Phil left. He’d tried so hard to beat Phil at Mario Kart but kept bumping into the sides of the track and getting knocked out by shells.

After about the sixth race he threw his controller down, crossing his arms in anger. “I hate this game.”

Phil let go of his controller, which was already on the floor so he only had to concentrate on pushing buttons, and turned to Dan. “You don’t hate the game, Dan, you’re just mad that you’re losing.”

“Yeah, well you wouldn’t like it if you were losing.” He glared at the victorious Bowser on the screen, putting his Yoshi to shame.

“I don’t really care if I win or lose. I just like being able to play with you.”

Dan huffed, glad that Phil felt that way but still too angry to calm down. “Fine. One more time.”

They started a new race and Phil took an early lead as usual. Dan weaved through the AI players, trying to catch up to Phil and pick up as many power ups as he could. By the last lap, Dan had finally made it to second place and was hot on Phil’s tail, bumping into him a few times. As they cleared a sharp turn and had the finish line in sight, Dan grabbed another power up. It landed on the blue shell and Dan almost jumped for joy. He used the power up and quickly moved out of the way, not wanting to get hit instead. The shell flew around the track and back to Phil, hitting him directly and making Luigi go flying.

“Yes!” Dan shouted as he crossed the finish line with glee.

“See? I told you you could do it.”

“Yeah, I know…” Dan admitted, “It was just really hard.”

“But it wouldn’t have felt as great if it were easy.” Phil wagged his finger at him.

“Let’s see you play it on hard mode then!” Dan challenged.

“You’re on!”

That’s the last memory of Phil he really has before his fateful birthday party. When he’d looked all over the house for Phil and found him nowhere. He’d even used his birthday wish on Phil, wishing he’d come back so he could play with all his new toys with him, but even then…

Dan looks up at Phil. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“I know you said Heaven made you leave me… so I’d forget about you and stop believing in you, but… why? Why couldn’t you stay with me forever like you promised?” Dan asks, voice shaking in anger, “I wanted to spend my whole life with you…”

Phil would love nothing more than to spend the rest of Dan’s life with him. It’s all he ever wanted. He doesn’t know the torture of having to watch the person he loves slowly collapse in on themselves before his eyes and not be able to do anything about it. It’s only a matter of weeks before…

Phil leans closer to Dan, reaching to cup around his cheek, wishing he could brush his thumb across Dan’s skin. “Heaven thought I was making too much of an impact.”

Dan’s brows furrow. “What do you mean?”

“It means if I would have stayed with you I would have changed your timeline.” Because Phil loved him too much and Heaven didn’t like it. He wanted to see Dan live a happy life with the people he loves and Phil would have done everything in his power to better Dan’s life. Little did he know that along with Dan’s ever-growing joy grew his lifespan, which was just not supposed to happen. He didn’t know he was doing it and neither did Heaven until they saw the manner in which Dan was destined to die change. “They summoned me to Heaven and reprimanded me. Then, they gave me a choice: be re-assigned to guard someone else and have my memories of you erased; or stay in Heaven and serve a punishment while you forgot about me then return to you and swear to not interfere again. Obviously, I was selfish and took the ladder.”

As a tear slides down his face Dan takes a swipe at Phil’s arm, hand going through it but still making his point. “You idiot! You got in trouble because of me! You should have just forgotten about me and moved on!”

“I couldn’t.” Phil smiles meekly, “I couldn’t leave you knowing what you’ve been through and how much you depended on me. Even if you couldn’t see me anymore and didn’t know I was there I had to keep trying to help you and trying to make your life at least a little easier.”

“How?”

Phil chuckles, looking down at his fumbling hands, feeling embarrassed. “Well, have you ever woken up in the night with the blanket off? Been without a pencil at school? Not had enough change in your wallet for a snack? I know they’re little things you probably don’t even think twice about, but every time your little smile would pop up on your face I felt like I at least made your day a little better; if only for a moment.”

Dan’s lip quivers, but he quickly bites it. “You are an idiot.” He mumbles.

Phil laughs, shrugging. “Yeah, I know.”

Dan takes a moment to collect himself, then shuffles out from under the duvet, sitting next to Phil on the edge of the bed. “Do you maybe… want to play Mario Kart?”

“Sure,” Phil answered, “though after years of not playing I’m probably rubbish.”

“That’s fine,” Dan smiles, “It’ll just make it easier for me to beat you.”

-21 days-

Dan’s practically fallen right back to how he use to act with Phil; talking to him constantly and playing video games with him. It makes him feel young again but in a carefree way. He knew he missed this kind of time with Phil, but with all the stress lately, he didn’t realize just how much. He hadn’t felt the same after Phil left, but with it being so long ago he’d gotten used to the empty feeling. He’d forgotten how he used to be. He feels himself again. It’s not the usual self that he hates, but the old self that no matter what people said to him he’d still have a smile because he knew he had Phil. Nothing else mattered.

Because of this, Dan’s decided to be strong for Phil. He’s done so much for Dan without Dan even knowing, the most he can do is make up for lost time and make the last of his days count like Phil wants him to.

Dan climbs out his bedroom window and onto his roof, Phil floating through the window after him and settling down beside him under the late night sky. It’s the clearest night they’ve had in a while, so they thought they’d take full advantage of it. Even though it was warmer in the day, the night has dropped in temperature, making Dan shiver. “You ok? You should grab a blanket so you don’t get sick.”

“I’m alright.” Dan dismisses, “It’s only a little chilly.”

They talk for a little while, reminiscing on old times. Dan remembers the time they made mud pies and Phil pretended to eat some but Dan thought he really did so he did too and it tasted awful.

“Your face was hilarious!” Phil almost rolls over he’s laughing so hard.

“It was disgusting!” Dan’s face scrunches up at the thought. “I also remember when you tried to scare me by popping your head through my desk and ended up with half of your face in my bug box and a big centipede crawled right in front of your eye and you freaked out.”

“Hey, those things are creepy up close.” Phil defends. “I remember you trying to climb a tree because you saw the neighbor kid do it but then you couldn’t get down.”

“I was really high up.” Dan shrugs, “I was scared.”

“Yeah, so scared I had to try to get your Dad’s attention so he’d see you and get the ladder for you.”

Dan ignores the mention of his dad, not really caring to think about him right now. “I was never one for being athletic. I don’t really care for that kind of stuff anyway.”

“You’re too scrawny for sports.” Phil teases, pointing to Dan’s waist.

“Not really; I have a tummy.” His hand goes to rest on his stomach, thankful it doesn’t show as much when he’s lying down.

“Well, duh you have a tummy. Who doesn’t?”

“No, I mean I have a pudge.”

“You do not.” Phil chides, seriously thinking it’s impossible for Dan to lose any more weight after those few days of barely eating. “Don’t put yourself down like that. You look great.”

“Don’t start with that.” Dan looks back up to the stars, the moon a crescent but shining just enough light down on them.

“Start what?” All Phil said was Dan looks great, and he does. His gorgeous brown eyes and matching hair, his faint freckles that Dan wishes he didn’t have but Phil thinks are adorable, even his long, skinny legs that seem to trip over themselves. Phil has watched Dan grow from a precious little baby to an extraordinary child to a fantastic young man. He’s always felt so protective of Dan when he was younger. Like an older brother.

Then, as the years went by and Dan started getting more mature, he started feeling a shift in his heart. He knew what it was and quickly controlled it, knowing if he embraced it, it’d be that much harder not to interfere with Dan’s life again. As he looks at Dan now, he feels those stirrings in his heart again and it pains him to hold it in.

“Don’t start complimenting me.” Dan wasn’t used to compliments; and them coming from Phil made them that much more potent. His feelings for Phil are painful enough, lingering animosity from him, mixed with his love for him from long ago, he doesn’t want to get his hopes up about anything when he knows nothing is ever going to happen. Even if he wasn’t dying soon, there’s no way it could work. They can’t ever touch. It’s like being in love with a ghost.

“Have you always been an angel?” The question slips out of nowhere.

Phil knows Dan’s just trying to change the subject, but lets him. “Yes.”

“For how long?” He knows Phil is a lot older than he looks.

“Hmmm.” Phil does a rough estimate in his head. “A little over 600 years? I’m really young compared to other angels. That’s part of why I’m lower class.”

“You’re pretty old for human years, grandpa.” Dan retorts, his turn to poke fun and try to lighten the mood again.

“Yeah, but maybe that makes me wise.” Phil points out.

“You? ‘Wise’? I don’t think so.” Dan laughs.

“You are so lucky I can’t tickle you, or you’d be getting it right now.” Phil smirks.

“Oh, yeah? I bet I’d win that fight.”

“No, you wouldn’t; I have angel strength over you!” Phil sits up, flexing his arm.

“Cheater.” Dan fake pouts, “If you were human I’d win.”

Phil stops his posing, sighing and looking out over the trees and rooftops of the neighborhood. “If I were human, I could do a lot of things.”

Dan gazes over Phil, wondering just what he means. “You don’t like being an angel?”

Phil shakes his head. “I used to think nothing of it; bouncing around and guarding different people throughout the Black Plague, the World Wars, even the Great Fire of London. I’ve guarded so many short lifespans that ended in sickness, violence, or tragedy.” He glances at Dan, lips parted in sympathy, “I thought when I got assigned to you Heaven was giving me a break. I’d follow someone through a long life and finally get to see a happy ending. How wrong I was…”

“So… you’ve seen a lot of people die?” Obviously he has, but in that manner? Why does Heaven keep putting Phil through this time and time again? It’s not fair.

“I’ve seen children die in their mother’s arms and young men left on the battlefield, trampled over in retreat.” He sniffs and Dan can’t help but tear up, too. “Now, I get to watch you die. Even though I’ve been through this many times, it still hurts. This one I think the most.”

“Why?” What could be worse than plague or war?

Phil knows he shouldn’t say. He shouldn’t plant the thoughts of love in Dan’s mind when he only has a few weeks left to live, but in the moment of honesty he feels he must. He wants to finally bare his heart to Dan. “Because I let myself fall in love with you.”

Dan must have misheard. He’s tired and is hearing what he wants to hear. “Well, I know you love me, Phil. You told me all the time when I was little.”

“That was a different love.” Phil hugs himself tight, “I wish I were human because I want to be with you. I want to hold you when you’re scared, tickle you so I can hear your cute laugh, kiss you so you know you’re loved and will stop thinking so low of yourself when you’re the most brilliant person I’ve ever known. I want to do all of it but I can’t.”

Dan can’t breathe. He must be dreaming. Phil would never say these things to him, no one would. Phil’s love for him is platonic, just like when he was a kid. It has to be. He can’t tell Dan how he feels now before he dies. He can’t make his heart sing when he knows it’s no use. This is too cruel. “K-kiss me?”

Phil nods, burying his head in his arms.

Dan tries to say something, anything, but instead he shivers, a gust of wind making his teeth chatter.

Phil hears him and looks up, sighing. “I told you it was cold.” He reaches over and Dan stiffens, the closeness after such a confession overwhelming. Phil rests his hand just over Dan’s heart, his hand starting to glow and Dan can feel the heat coursing through him, warming him from the inside out.

Phil looks amazing, his face illuminated by the glowing light. His eyes, so piercingly blue, stare intently as he keeps Dan warm. He always keeps Dan feeling warm and secure, never asking for anything in return. The most Dan can do is show him his thanks.

Dan leans forward, closing the gap between them and moving his lips to where Phil’s are. He feels no soft skin pressing back, but a hint of tingly warmth that sends his mind reeling and heart racing.

Phil’s hand moves from Dan’s chest to his cheek and oh how he wants to feel it and feel Dan’s lips on his and everything else about Dan.

Dan pulls back, looking sheepishly at Phil. “I know you can’t feel it but if you were, you know, human and you could… I’d still…”

“I know, Dan.” Phil smiles, “I feel your love. That’s all that matters.”

“I do.” Dan says, “I mean, I do love you.” It’s the first time he’s said those words since being able to see Phil again and they hold a whole new meaning now. “I love you, Phil.”

“I love you, too, Dan.”

Even though he’s not an angel, Dan feels like he’s floating. He knew Phil loved him, but in this moment it’s different. It’s not a guardian loving a child and it’s not like any other love Dan’s ever felt. It’s the most intense love and frankly the only love he cares about. It doesn’t matter; as long as someone loves him, maybe his life isn’t that bad.

Phil’s face screws up, hand going to his shoulder and gripping tight. He can feel it again; the pain vibrating up his spine and into his shoulder blades, coursing through his invisible wings.

“Phil? Are you ok?” Dan reaches forward, wanting to sooth him.

“It’s nothing.” Nothing that he knows of, anyway. He still hasn’t figured out what this pain is coming from, but until Dan’s gone it can wait. Phil’s only focus right now is spending time with Dan. “I think it’s time you got to bed.”

Dan hesitates, then gets up and heads back through his window. If it were anything to worry about, Phil would tell him. He’s never lied to him, so it must be nothing.

He sinks under the covers as Phil closes the window. Then without Dan even having to ask, Phil floats over and joins Dan, lying on top of the duvet next to him. “Sleep well, Dan.” Phil smiles.

Dan’s tired eyes droop, “I will.” And he’s soon asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan’s scraped by in life, never really enjoying it due to persistent bullies, stern parents, and loneliness. When a mysterious man from his past tells him he only has 30 days left to live, he finally takes the initiative to make the best of what time he has left.
> 
> Written for the Phandom Big Bang 2014

-19 days-

Yesterday, after Dan got out of another grueling day of school, Phil and him spent the afternoon at the park. Dan said he’d never really cared about the outdoors, but Phil reminded him that he used to love going outside. Dan just shrugged, admitting that he only became a recluse after Phil left.

They found a nice place to lie down, away from others so Dan could talk openly, and spent a good hour soaking up the rare England sun and breathing in the fresh air. It felt like a cleansing of sorts. Dan’s mind was settling down and coming to terms with the fact that he only had 20 days left.

At least he’d be able to spend it with Phil. Half of the recent time he’s had Phil again they’ve spent arguing or Dan ignoring him for stupid reasons. No more. If he only had a little while longer left to live, he was going to make it count.

Today is an especially lazy day, spent talking about nonsense and what life would be like for Phil if he were a human.

“I would definitely get an A+ in History class.” Phil laughs, “Although, the teacher you have is kind of weird. A bit too enthusiastic about his work.”

“Does he ever get anything wrong about the times you’ve lived through?” Dan wonders.

“No, he’s quite accurate. A few things are different, but that’s not his fault; they’re things that have been lost in translation through the years.”

“I think the science teacher wouldn’t like you.”

Phil frowns. “Why? She seems nice.”

“Yeah, but the whole being-from-Heaven-and-throwing-the-theory-of-evolution-out-the-window thing might put her off.”

“I didn’t think of that.” Phil tries to remember Dan’s other classes, all of them kind of boring so he easily forgets which is which. “I’d love lunch.”

Dan laughs. “I love lunch, too, but it’s not really a class.”

“Yeah, but people seem to love food and I’ve never had any so I’d love to try.” He always has to get on Dan to eat more and didn’t understand why. There are tons of people in the world that have to beg for their food or that love food so much that they make it into art. Dan doesn’t like to eat just because he thinks he weighs too much. He doesn’t understand how humans, especially Dan, can get so caught up on body image that they deprive themselves of something they need to live and already look wonderful just the way they are.

Caught up in his thoughts, he doesn’t hear what Dan says to him. “Sorry, what?”

Dan bites his lip, “Do you think before I go I should talk to my mum?”

“You mean tell her?” If Dan tells his mum he’s going to die soon she’ll either not believe him or make him go into therapy, thinking he’s suicidal or crazy.

“No, I mean… make amends. Tell her I love her and stuff…” Dan scrunches his mouth to the side, shrugging.

“I don’t think you’ve ever told her that.”

“I don’t recall her ever saying it to me, either.” Dan is sad to admit, “But I know she must, right?”

“She does.” Phil brushes his finger near Dan’s cheek, “Some people just don’t know how to say it or don’t realize how important it is to hear in once in a while.”

Dan knows how hard it can be to say how you feel. “I think I’ll do it now while I still have the nerve.”

“I’ll be right behind you.”

Dan heads to the living room, his mom watching a cooking show. “Hey, mum?”

“Yeah?” She says, eyes on the screen.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” Dan fumbles his hands together as she mutes the TV, turning to him with a quizzical look. “I know I’ve caused you a lot of problems over the years… Bad grades and fights and just not listening to you.” He clears his throat, feeling his face heat up. Phil moves in front of him, nodding for him to continue. “But I really do try my best and no matter what happens, I love you. So, yeah…”

His mother stares at him, eyes watering but Dan can tell her sternness won’t let her cry. “What made this come on all of the sudden?”

He shrugs. “I’ve just been thinking about it lately.” And it’s now or never for him to finally say these things to her.

She gets up from the sofa, coming to stand in front of him; but whereas Dan would usually get ready for a smack and a scolding, she instead wraps her arms around him. “I love you, too, Dan.” She sniffs, “I know I’m hard on you, but it’s because I want you to do well in life and not slack off.”

“I know.” Dan awkwardly hugs his mum back, the feeling foreign but nice. He feels better knowing he’s at least told his mom he loves her before he’s gone. He’d have so much guilt if he’d left things how they were. The weight on his shoulders has lifted.

Dan hears a cry and springs back from his mum. Phil has been brought to his knees, his body racking with pain and making him double over. “Phil?!” What’s wrong with him?!

Phil looks up at him for only a second before quickly floating past him and up the stairs.

“Daniel?” His mum stands there, concerned and confused.

“Um,” Dan whips his head from the stairs to her, “I forgot I had to fill out some worksheets for school. Gotta go, sorry!” He rushes after Phil, following him to his room where he collapses to the floor again.

“Phil, what’s going on?” Dan reaches out, wanting to embrace him.

Phil uses his fading strength to look up at him, teeth grit and eyes half-lidded. “Dan. Listen to me. I’m going back to Heaven for a while, ok?”

Dan’s heart thuds in his chest. “What? No! You can’t leave me!”

“They’re pulling me back; I don’t have a choice.” Phil lets out a grunt of pain.

“But-“ Dan can barely speak, lips trembling as a tear streams down his face. “Last time they made you leave I forgot about you! I can’t do that again!”

“Don’t forget me, Dan.” Phil’s body begins to glow, filling the room steadily with bright white light. The shadows in his room are eaten away; except for two giant shapes cast on his wall, coming from the shadow that is Phil’s back. Dan stares at them in awe before tearing his eyes away and back to Phil. “No matter what, I’ll find a way back to you. I promise.”

Dan wants to tell him he loves him. That he won’t forget him this time. That he’ll wait for him to come back. All his words get stuck in his throat as he’s blinded, covering his eyes as the light suddenly grows insanely bright until it finally snuffs out. When Dan opens his eyes again, Phil is gone.

-18 days-

It’s dark.

Dan could turn on the light but it’s not the same. It’s like the darkness is calming compared to the brilliant light that took Phil away. Phil only left yesterday but Dan can already feel the loneliness spreading. When will he be back? And why did Heaven take him in the first place? All Dan can do is wait.

~

It’s bright.

Phil pulls at the chains that bind him to his white cell, everything too crisp and clean compared to the rustic Earth. As soon as he arrived they threw him in here without a word, probably too busy to deal with him right now. All Phil can do is wait.

-17 days-

Dan knows he should eat, but he can’t. The thought of Heaven doing who knows what to Phil makes his stomach turn. At least his mom let his skip school today since he’s not feeling good. He’ll have to gather the strength to go tomorrow, though. He knows Phil wouldn’t like him skipping, especially on his account. He has to stay strong for Phil.

~

Two angels came by his cell today. They were supposedly the ones in charge of his ‘case’; whatever that means. They asked him a few questions about his time with Dan. He didn’t want to tell them anything but he was unable to lie and when he answered too vaguely they’d strike him across the back with their damn blades. It felt like white hot lightning, making them have to leave him alone after a while before he passed out. He leans himself against the cell wall, smearing it with his metallic blood. He can’t afford to break. He has to stay strong for Dan.

-16 days-

How long will it be before Phil’s back? Is he coming back? The more the thought flows through Dan’s brain the more he wants to make it go away. He wants to distract himself from everything but he promised Phil he wouldn’t do that again. Phil also promised to not leave him again; but he did… He promised…

~

The interrogations continue; more questions and pain for any wrong answers. They asked Phil’s intentions and Dan’s state of mind. Phil answered meticulously, giving them what he thinks they want to hear. He has to hold on so he can find a way back to Dan. He promised…

-15 days-

“Haven’t seen you in a while, Howell.” John pushes him against the side of the school, red brick scratching the back of his head. “It’s been a long time since we ‘talked’.” Dan can’t move. He wants to run away and home, but the bully has him pinned tight. The first blow comes to his chin and it send stars to his eyes; dazing him and making him not see the next blow coming. His stomach is hit hard and he buckles, knees falling to the ground. He can’t breathe or even hear what the bully is saying to him as he’s hit over and over. All he can think is, ‘please, Phil, please come back and help me.’ There is no answer, only silence; and Dan begins to wonder if Phil will ever come back.

~

“Haven’t seen you in a while, ‘Phil’.” Uriel smirks, pressing his foot down on Phil’s neck as he’s chained to the floor. “That’s what you go by now, isn’t it? Your ‘Earth name’ you gave yourself?” Phil glares at him, wishing he could break from these chains and throw Uriel against the wall. “I was told you weren’t following orders again and that I was supposed to convince you to.” He looks over Phil’s wings, now spread out on either side of him, straps digging into them. He raises a hand, a spark bursting into a ball of fire; and Phil begins to wonder if he’ll ever be able to go back.

-14 days-

Dan stares down at the pack of razors he’s just bought. He feels disgusted with himself, but he needs the release. If Phil doesn’t come back… No, Phil will definitely come back. He’ll have to if Dan starts hurting himself again. He’ll come back and yell at him and have to heal him but he’ll be back. It’s the only way to see Phil again.

~

Phil stares at the reflection of himself in his own blood. His wings are tattered remnants of what they use to be, matted, frayed, and charred. After Uriel was done with his punishment he told Phil he could go back to Dan if he did one thing. At first he refused, earning more searing pain. Then he realized he wasn’t leaving without accepting. It’s the only way to see Dan again.

-13 days-

Dan stomps down the pavement and up the steps to the open-doored house, music pumping and the smell of vomit and pot everywhere. He knows he doesn’t belong here, he wasn’t even invited, but he doesn’t care. He needs to be numb right now and his old remedy just isn’t doing the trick. He needs to forget about Phil, if only for the moment. His mom doesn’t drink, so there isn’t any alcohol in the house for him to take and he’s not old enough to buy his own. Then he heard some schoolmates talking about a party tonight and he knew he’d found his answer.

As soon as he’s inside he can feel the stares. People whispering ‘freak’ and ‘fag’ to each other as he passes. He ignores it, heading straight to the kitchen and grabbing the first drink he sees. He takes a swig of the dark drink and has to hold back a grimace, the taste strong on his tongue. He ignores that as well and finds a place to stand away from the crowds. He knows this is stupid, but he drowns out the voice in the back of his head with more sips.

His body sways, making him brace the wall behind him to keep the room from spinning. He’s hot and tingly but can’t take his hoodie off; the marks from just earlier today will surely show.

Stupid Phil. He was supposed to come and stop him before he did that. He should be here right now. He hasn’t seen any sign of him. Not a bump in the night or a warmth on his skin. Nothing.

Maybe Phil was just his imagination after all? He’d started seeing Phil again after he’d gotten hit in the head. Had he been hallucinating Phil this whole time? The talks, the touchless touches, the only image of hope he had? It’s entirely possible. In fact, it’s much more likely Dan had had a bout of insanity than Phil actually being his guardian angel.

Someone bumps his arm and his drink spills on the floor. “Sorry, dude.”

Dan looks up at the person in front of him and is met with blue eyes, “P-Phil?”

“Alan.” He corrects.

Dan makes his eyes focus more and can see now that the boy is really blonde, not the black hair he’s used to seeing. “I’m Dan.”

Alan looks confused. “I thought you said you were Phil?”

“No, I thought you were Phil.”

“Is that your boyfriend or something?” Alan raises an eyebrow.

“No…” Dan feels a pain in his chest but he quickly down the rest of his drink, turning it into more fuzzy warmth.

“Hmm.” Alan nods, leaning closer to Dan’s ear, “You know, you look kind of bored. Wanna go have some fun?” Dan feels a hand on his hip and knows exactly where Alan’s going with this.

At first he’s appalled, almost pushing Alan away and leaving, but as his hand goes to the boy’s chest he gets an idea. He grabs his shirt and pulls him close, smashing his lips to Alan’s. He quickly matches him, sloppily pushing his tongue into Dan’s mouth. The kiss feels weird and forced to Dan, not at all as pleasing as he thought it’d be. A hand is placed on his other side and Alan presses his hips against Dan’s, grinding on him right in the middle of the hallway.

Before he realizes, Dan is being lead down the hall and into a bedroom, Alan shutting the door behind him and stumbling into Dan, pressing against him again and grabbing his ass. He has to admit Alan is attractive, but he doesn’t really plan on going all the way with him. He knows Phil will never let anyone but him touch Dan, even if he can’t. It’s only a matter of time before Phil will show up and make Alan get away from his Dan. He has to.

Alan moves Dan backwards and he feels a bed at the back of his legs, letting Alan push him down and get on top of him. His hands move up Dan’s shirt and he accidentally lets out a moan before catching himself. He’s not letting himself get carried away, although in the dark he could almost imagine this is Phil. He should be here any second now. He knows it.

Alan starts nibbling at Dan’s neck, making him cringe away. “W-wait-”

Alan sits up, “I thought you wanted to?”

Dan’s eyes flicker around the room, nothing moving and no noises other than the blasting music and laughter through the wall. “I do…”

Alan comes back down to Dan’s neck, biting and leaving marks he’ll have to worry about covering tomorrow. Dan feels fingers at the waist of his pants and he pushes Alan back. “Wait, maybe-“

Alan grabs Dan’s wrists, making him wince, and holds them down to the bed. “If you tell me to wait one more time, I swear to God.”

Dan’s eyes widen, Alan looking a lot scarier than before. “I just don’t think I’m ready.”

“Then why’d you tease me, huh?”

Dan’s heart races, the blue eyes staring down at him nothing like Phil’s loving ones. “I didn’t-“

“You did!” Alan’s grip on Dan tightens and Dan wishes he’d never come to this stupid party. Phil obviously isn’t coming back, and now Dan’s stuck with this jerk on top of him and no way out. He squeezes his eyes shut tight, just hoping this will be over soon.

Dan hears a zipper and holds in a cry, feeling the tears already brimming over. He’s so stupid stupid stupid for losing his virginity like this. He wants it to be with someone he loved, not some drunk guy at a party. He wanted it to be with Phil, but that will never happen. He’ll never even see Phil again.

“Shit!” Alan shouts and Dan opens his eyes.

In the now open doorway stands a girl, mouth hung open in shock and staring at the two of them on the bed. “Alan, what the fuck is going on?”

Alan jumps off the bed, struggling to zip up his pants. “Josie, I can explain.”

The girl just tsks, turning around after flipping him the bird and storming away. Alan rushes after her, slamming the door closed after him and leaving Dan in the dark.

He sits up, letting out a shaky breath. He thinks for a moment that he’s ok, then bursts into sobs, bringing his knees up and burying his face. He’d thought it was over for him. He thought he’d made the mistake of his life. Thank goodness Alan’s girlfriend caught him.

“You’re an idiot.”

Dan’s head springs up and is met by blue eyes. He shouts, crawling back on the bed before noticing the face before him is framed with pitch-black hair. “Phil?”

Phil crosses his arms, “What was your plan? Get drunk and get laid so you wouldn’t die a virgin?”

Dan shakes his head furiously. “No, not at all-“

Phil raises a hand, shutting Dan up. “Save it. Go home. Now.”

“But Phil, I can-“

“I said now.” Phil’s voice booms and Dan jumps. He’s never seen Phil angry before, and it scares him.

Without another word, Dan gets off the bed, fixing his disheveled clothes before walking out of the room. He skirts through the crowd and out the door, keeping his head low. Once well on his way home he finally speaks, sure that no one else is around at this time of night. “Where were you?”

Phil stares ahead blankly. “None of your concern.”

Maybe that means he can’t talk about it. “Are you at least feeling better?”

Phil stays silent, making Dan worry. Something’s wrong with Phil. He’s not just mad. He knows Phil could see how upset Dan was. He should have comforted him first and reprimanded him after like he usually does. Did Heaven do something to him? “Phil, what happened in Heaven?”

“None of your concern.” He repeats as Dan quietly opens the door to his house.

He gets into his room and as soon as his door is shut he stomps right up to Phil’s face, locking eyes. “Phil, I was worried sick about you! I thought you were never coming back and then suddenly you are but you won’t tell me anything?”

“Drop it, Daniel.” Phil says sternly.

Dan is taken aback by the coldness in Phil’s voice but holds his ground. He can see it in Phil’s eyes. They did something to him. They must have. The Phil he knows would never treat him this way, of that he’s sure. “I know there’s something wrong with you, Phil. I’m not going to stop until I know what. Even if it takes me until my last day.” That last day being less than two weeks away.

“Go to bed.” Phil orders.

Dan gives him one last look before climbing into bed. Instead of joining him, Phil takes up residence of his old chair by the window, crossing his arms and legs as he stares out into the night sky.

Dan tosses and turns, not able to sleep. Too many thoughts are running through his head. Close to midnight he kicks the blanket off in anger, tired of getting tangled in it, and curls up into a ball. Suddenly, he hears Phil’s chair creak and he makes sure to keep his eyes closed, listening. He keeps his breathing steady as he feels his blanket dragging up his body, now once again draped over his shoulders. Silence, pretending to still be asleep as he once again hears Phil’s chair creak with weight.

Dan lets himself smile, knowing that the old Phil is still in there somewhere and that there must be a good reason for Phil to have to hide it. For now, he’s just happy to have Phil back.

-12 days-

Dan’s head is pounding, the blood rushing in his ears too loud and the sun creeping through his window too bright. He pulls the duvet over his head, shutting out the world. He tries to think, remembering his drinking last night being the cause of his headache now. More things come to mind: the boy, Alan, and his girlfriend, and…

Dan almost whips the duvet off of him but stops himself, controlling the urge to jump out of bed and race over to Phil. Phil is finally back to watching over him like always. The thought sends his heart pounding. But… it isn’t his Phil. Something is off about him. He’s cold, demanding, not saying a word unless he has to. It’s not the Phil he grew up with and the Phil he fell in love with.

He slowly peeks at Phil from under his blanket, spotting him by Dan’s desk. He’s messing with something on it and it takes Dan a moment to realize it’s the little plasticine llama. He’s turning it over in his hands with the most grief-stricken face Dan’s ever seen. You’d think he’d already died.

Phil obviously still cares about him, of that much Dan is certain. Heaven must have done something to him to make Phil act differently. What horrible things did they put him through? He’d said before that they’d punished him years ago when he’d interfered with Dan. Did they call him back to do it again? Has Phil being in his life again changed Dan’s timeline?

It’s Dan’s fault then. He made Phil get in trouble the first time and now he’s gone and gotten him hurt again. He was selfish and just wanted to spend time with Phil before he died without thinking of what the consequences would be for Phil.

If he wants to spare Phil any more pain, he’ll have to play along. He’ll have to pretend the past few weeks never happened and act as if Phil isn’t there, or at least act casual. It’ll hurt, but it has to be done.

-9 days-

It’s been so hard to ignore Phil. Almost impossible. He’s always in Dan’s peripherals, watching over him with a pained expression until Dan looks his way and his face wipes of all emotion, expression blank. Dan pretends not to notice. He wishes he could see Phil smile just one more time before he dies; which seems to be coming at a more rapid pace. He’s tried a few times to avertedly do something to make him smile, but he holds strong. Not even a twitch of the mouth.

He won’t give up, though. Dan caught another glimpse of the old Phil the other day when Derek had beat him up. Phil didn’t intervene, but Dan saw him scowl at Derek and he knew he wanted to help Dan. Heaven must have a stronger hold on him than he though.

He’ll just have to try harder. 

-6 days-

Why won’t Phil look at him anymore? Dan had put off cutting since Phil got back but he couldn’t take it anymore. Is that why? Is Phil disappointed in him?

All Phil has to do is ask him to stop and he will. Dan would do it for Phil just like before. But Phil doesn’t ask. He just watches. Even when Dan cries out his name he won’t look at his face; just his arm. Then yesterday he didn’t even come into the bathroom with him. He sat outside the bathroom, waiting for Dan to be done with his routine.

Dan called his name again; just loud enough so he knew Phil would hear. Still nothing. He didn’t come through the door and he didn’t look at Dan when he came out and went back to his room. Nothing.

Did Phil really not care about him anymore? Did Heaven take his love away? Dan still loves him, says his name every morning and night and says nice things to Phil even though he just tells him to be quiet. Dan still loves him, even if Phil doesn’t.

Dan shivers, pulling the blanket up more as he watches Phil, looking out the window.

No, shut up. Of course Phil still cares about him. He has to. He loves Phil and Phil loves him. Phil is all that matters. If he loses Phil…

Dan gets up, abandoning the warmth of his bed and walking over to the window. “Phil, look at me.” Dan whispers, standing behind Phil’s chair.

Phil doesn’t move. “Go back to bed.”

“Look at me and I will.”

Phil sighs, clenching his jaw before turning and looking up at Dan.

Dan leans down, pressing his lips to where Phil’s are. This has to work. Everything else has failed in bringing Phil back to his senses. If this doesn’t work… he really has no hope left.

Phil jumps up, stepping away from Dan. “Dan, no.”

Dan clenches his fists, tears trickling off his chin. “But why?” He shouts, not caring if he wakes up his mum. “You told me you loved me and now you act as if I’m nothing but I know the real Phil is in there somewhere!”

“Dan.” He growls, stepping forward. He looks angry, then his face drops, seeing the tears on Dan’s face. “Please, just stop.”

Dan shakes his head. “Not until I have you back.”

“Dan?” Their heads whip to Dan’s door, footsteps in the hallway.

Dan looks back to Phil for only a moment before heading for the window, opening it and throwing a leg over the sill.

“What are you doing?” Phil asks, moving towards Dan but still keeping a safe distance.

“I’m either going to prove that you still love me, or make this all be over with. Either way, this ends now.” And with that, he shimmies down his roof and to the ground below, ignoring the pain in his legs from the drop as he walks down the street.

-5 days-

By the time he makes it the highway bridge he figures it’s well past midnight. He’s shivering like mad, not having grabbed his hoodie to throw over his pyjamas before he left, and his feet and legs hurt.

“Are you going to tell me what you’re doing here?” Phil asks but Dan ignores him. He’s a little relieved Phil is at least concerned enough to wonder what he’s doing. The old Phil is poking through his mask.

He finds the middle of the bridge and clumsily climbs over the side, standing on the edge. He cautiously looks down, seeing the boulders in the river directly below him. He holds onto the edge tight, fingers hurting and turns to Phil “Aren’t you going to tell me to get down?”

“Is that what this is about?” Phil huffs but his eyes betray him, darting all over Dan. “You don’t get what you want so you go to the extremes to prove you’re right?”

“I know I’m right.” Dan cries, hanging on tighter but leaning over the edge a bit. “If you really love me then you won’t let me fall. If you don’t love me, then, well I’ll be ending things early.”

“You can’t do that. You’re not supposed to die yet.” Phil points out.

“Are you sure of that?” Dan raises an eyebrow, “My timeline has changed before. I could do it again. Are you willing to risk watching me jump? Is whatever order you got from Heaven more important than your love for me?”

Phil opens his mouth, looking like he desperately wants to say something, but shuts it.

Dan sighs, turning back to look over the edge again. It’s really coming down to this? He can’t back out once he’s let go of the edge. “I guess I’ll find out, huh?” Dan pries his hand away from the rail, leaning sideways off the edge. His heart pounds in his chest as a wind blows past him, the force enough to make his sore legs buckle, a foot slipping off and making his dangle over the empty space.

“Stop!”

Dan grapples onto the side again and looks back to Phil, arm reaching out to him and a panicked look on his face.

“Phil?” His whole body shakes, adrenaline rushing through him and heart leaping.

Phil drops his hand, defeated. “Please come off the edge.”

Dan carefully hoists himself back over and onto solid ground, running to Phil. “I knew it.” He cries, “I knew you still loved me.”

Phil’s weary eyes stare down at Dan, hand moving next to his cheek and nodding. “I’m so sorry, Dan. I was an idiot.”

Dan sniffs, shaking his head, just glad Phil is back.

That’s when a bright light appears on Phil’s face. Dan’s eyes widen, fear tingling in his brain. The light that took Phil back. It’s happening again. It can’t. IT CAN’T. Phil looks behind Dan, jaw dropping. He moves close to Dan, arms wrapping around him and Dan would give anything to feel them.

Then before he knows it, he’s flying. He’s flying through the air and he thinks he heard a loud noise but he can’t really think straight because his body hurts. The light goes out; along with his consciousness.

-4 days-

It’s like he’s floating. He can’t feel anything, even his body. He drifts in and out of dreams of times past or hopes for the future, every time being interrupted by voices. Some he recognizes and some he doesn’t. They talk of a crash and a miracle and that they just need to be patient. Every time he hears them he feels pain all over and he tries his best to tune them back out again.

Dan just wants to go back to his dreams where he and Phil can do anything. There’s no Heaven or anything else involved and Phil is human and he can touch him. They can hold each other and kiss each other and Dan has never felt more loved.

He wants to stay here in this warmth forever.

-3 days-

Phil is thrown down to his knees by Uriel in front of the counsel, his body aching and vision blurry. The members of the counsel, look down at him with unfazed eyes, tsking at the sight of his broken wings and scarred body. Uriel was most displeased at Phil’s return, Phil once again disobeying the rules and changing the timeline sending him overboard. His punishment had only stopped after a guard came to help Uriel drag him to the counsel room; of which Phil was grateful.

Uriel grabs Phil’s hair, yanking it back to make him face the counsel. “Seraphiel kneels before you now to be judged for his crimes against the laws of Heaven.”

A curly haired angel leans forward, peering down at him. “And what are the crimes?”

“Repeatedly disobeying orders and interfering with a mortal’s timeline.” Uriel boasts, grasping Phil’s hair tighter.

“And how do you plead?”

Phil is silent, earning another tug on his hair, his groan of pain held in by gritted teeth. He takes a deep breath, catching the eyes of the counsel. “Guilty.”

Another angel, her hair in golden, wavy locks cocks her head. “You admit to committing these acts?”

Phil swallows hard, condemning himself to his fate. He knows full well what will come if he admits to everything, but he must. Maybe if he accepts his punishment without a fight they’ll leave Dan to die in peace. “I knew the laws and rules of my job and I went against them. I accept whatever punishment I deserve.”

Uriel’s grin couldn’t be any wider, looking down at Phil with hungry eyes. “There are numerous accounts of him interfering with the mortal’s timeline which resulted in many changes in the circumstances of his death.”

The curly haired angel lifts up a scroll, emerald eyes scanning over the parchment. “Yes, it seems it was first destined for him to commit suicide at the age of seventeen, but with him being so young at the time he grew attached to you and it changed to heart failure,” the angel raises an eyebrow, “at 73.” The angel looks sternly at Phil before exchanging a few glances with the others. “After, we detained you for re-education and the mortal-“

“He has a name.” Phil blurts out before he can catch himself; tired already of their self-righteousness.

“Quiet!” Uriel shoves Phil’s head down, making his back twinge in pain.

“Ahem, ah, yes…” The green eyed angel looks back to the parchment. “The mortal, Daniel’s, timeline went back to its previous fate and we reissued you to the job on the terms that you would not interfere again.”

Phil bites his lip, knowing that with every word spoken his case looks worse and worse. They might as well sentence him now.

“May I see his documents?” A quite shaggy haired angel pipes up, reaching towards the scroll. He takes it and continues reading to himself a moment before speaking. “It seems you were doing better until just recently when Daniel started seeing you again and talking to you. Is that correct?”

Phil barely nods.

“Hmmm.” The angel rubs his chin, “It wasn’t long after that that his timeline changed again. And you were doing so well…”

Phil closes his eyes, wishing they’d just get it over with. “It seems you were given a few fair warnings when his timeline was starting to slip, but you ignored them. You were then made to come back to Heaven and get re-educated again by Uriel here.” The angel gestures to Uriel, who bows slightly out of fake humbleness.

The angel reads ahead again then places the document to the side, lacing his fingers together and looking straight at Phil. “In the end you still intervened and even used the majority of your powers to shield your ward from collision.” He sighs, “An ‘accident’ specifically made by Heaven to insure that Daniel would die at the appointed time with no further delay.”

Phil lets the thought of Heaven making some kind of hit on Dan set in as the counsel leans together, having a private discussion of sorts. After a moment, the golden-locked one speaks. “In the end of it all, what we really want to know is ‘how’ and ‘why’.”

Phil looks up at them through his hair. “What?”

“Answer!” Uriel kicks Phil in the side, silver spilling from his mouth onto the pristine floor, and the angel holds up a hand for him to stop.

“You should not have been able to shield Daniel like that. Even though the object was created by Heaven, the truck should have moved through you and only hit him because it was an important element in his fate.” She explains, “Somehow, you were able to shield him using your wings and prevented most of the damage to his body that might have even killed him instantly. We want to know how you did it.”

Phil honestly can’t answer. It all happened so fast he can barely remember. Dan was running to him, finally away from the dreadful ledge, the he saw the truck. He wasn’t thinking about how he wouldn’t be able to stop it or move Dan out of the way; his only thought was to protect him. It only took a second to unfurl his wings and wrap them and his arms around Dan, a surge of strength coursing through him and he could have sworn he’d actually seen his wings in the headlights of the truck just as clearly as he can see them here.

It didn’t help as much as he’d hoped, the last thing Phil seeing before being wrenched up to Heaven being Dan’s battered and bruised body. He’d wanted to save Dan. He just wanted Dan to be happy again. That’s all he wanted.

“I can’t answer that. I don’t know.”

Uriel raises his fist but green-eyes stops him. “Why then.”

“I can answer that.” Uriel seethes, “He’s in love with the mortal.”

The counsel exchanges looks again. “Is this true?”

Phil wonders if he should answer. He doesn’t want to get Dan involved. He doesn’t want him to suffer more.

“Is it true? Of course!” Uriel laughs, “This freak wishes he could be with that child of Earth as if he were another human.”

Phil flashes a glare to Uriel, who chuckles.

“Answer, Seraphiel, is this true?”

Phil controls his shaking, looking up again. “Does my answer only affect my fate? Not Dan’s?”

“Yes.” Says shaggy-hair, “Only you are being judged.”

“Then yes. I am in love with him.” Uriel spits in his direction, mumbling a ‘disgusting’.

“You love him the way a human loves another?” asks green-eyes.

“Yes.”

“And does he love you, an angel, in return?” asks golden-locks, “The way he should love another human?”

“Yes.”

The counsel seems at a loss for words. “This is most peculiar.” They turn to each other, talking amongst themselves, glancing towards him every so often and making him uncomfortable. After what feels like forever the counsel turns back to him. “Uriel?” golden-locks says.

“Yes?” he steps forward, visibly hiding his grin and making Phil sick to his stomach.

“Could you leave for now? We’ll call you when your services are needed. We’d like to talk to Seraphiel alone.”

-2 days-

Between all the voices Dan can hear, he hasn’t heard Phil’s at all. Has he left? Is his job as his guardian angel over? If he could just hear Phil’s voice again he’d have a reason to come back, but until then he’ll stay in his mind.

-1 day-

Phil comes into Dan’s hospital room, the sterile smell and stiff air making him uncomfortable. He sees Dan covered in tubes and IVs and face so gaunt and pale, he has to choke back a cry. He can’t let Dan hear him crying. He has to stay strong. “Dan?”

He doesn’t move, Phil knew he wouldn’t but he’d hoped. He wanted Dan’s eyes to open and for him to smile at him like he always has. He stands next to Dan’s bed, fingers lingering near Dan’s hand. “Dan, I know you can hear me. All you have to do is listen.”

The beeping from the monitors quickens a touch and Phil shushes Dan, cooing for him to stay calm until the beeping returns to its steady rhythm. “Yes, love, I’m here. I need you to do something for me, ok?” He listens to Dan’s breathing, watching the rise and fall of his chest. “I need you to fight, Dan.” Phil whispers, “I need you to live for me.” Phil leans down, brushing a kiss by Dan’s forehead before leaving him alone to rest.

-0 days-

Dan opens his eyes to bright white lights, trying to shield himself from them but his arm is weighed down by plastic tubes. He sees his mum, curled up in the chair next to him reading a book, but there’s no sign of Phil. He knows he heard him a while ago and it took forever to will up the strength to wake up. He fought through the pain to be able to see him again, but he’s nowhere.

He tries to call out but the tube in his throat chokes him, making him cough. His mother looks up, eyes going wide as she drops her book and comes over to him, telling him to calm down as she shouts for a nurse to come help.

The nurse moves Dan’s now blubbering mother aside and removes the tube from his throat, but he still struggles to talk. His windpipe is sore and dry and he can barely breathe without it hurting much less talk. “Phi- ah Phi-i” His eyes well up in frustration, wondering where Phil is.

“Sweetie, don’t talk.” His mother tells him, petting his head. “You have to rest, ok?” She lets slip a cry and Dan stops struggling to try to talk for now. “I’m just glad you’re awake. They said you might not-“ She covers her mouth, unable to continue, and leaves him to rest.

~

After a few hours of rest the head doctor comes and takes Dan away, running all kinds of tests and scans to check on how he’s doing. The doctor has to call in a few others for second opinions, all the lab coats standing around the monitor of Dan’s results and making him nervous. They wouldn’t tell him what was so damn interesting until they got back to his room with his mum.

They say he’s perfectly fine; which is weird since he shouldn’t be. He’s supposed to have broken ribs and punctured lungs and multiple other contusions, but all he has now is some sore muscles. The doctors are baffled, and all his mum can do is rub her little cross necklace between her fingers, mumbling “thank you, God”.

Dan doesn’t know if she’s wrong or not.

~

Dan waits to hear his mum steadily snoring to get out of bed, slowly making his way to the window. He sits down on the sill, legs shaking from the strain of walking, and looks up at the night sky. The clouds are sparse and barely covering the moon, the cold coming off the pane making Dan tug his blanket on tighter, his hospital gown not much for warmth.

“Phil.” Dan whispers, throat still sore and not wanting to wake up his mum, “I know you had something to do with me getting better.” Dan looks down at his bruised arms, “I hope you didn’t do something stupid in order to help me.” It wouldn’t matter if Dan got better if he couldn’t see Phil again. “It’s only a few minutes to midnight here on my last day. I guess I’ll see if I’m still going to die somehow, huh?”

He double checks the clock on the wall, it confirming only three minutes left until tomorrow. “If I don’t die, that means you’ll have to come back and watch over me again, right?”

Two minutes.

“I just- maybe you don’t want to come back? I know I wouldn’t if I were you. You’re always saving me from myself and dealing with me being a complete asshole to you.” Dan shakes his head, chuckling. “Maybe you’ve gone up to Heaven to get reassigned already. That’d be a dick move after telling me to fight for you.”

One minute.

Dan can feel the tears welling in his eyes and he doesn’t hold them back. “No, I know you wouldn’t do that to me. I know that as long as I’m alive, you’ll come back to me. You’ll tell me how wonderful you think I am and make me feel like something.”

Dan swallows, looking up into the sky again and placing his hand on the window. “I know you’ll come back to me. I’ll wait for you. As long as it takes.”

Midnight.

-~ days-

It’s been two weeks since Dan got out of the hospital. He hasn’t said anything to his mum about why he was out that night on the highway or what he was doing. If he’d told his mum that he was not only attempting suicide but it was because he wanted his guardian angel to love him again, she’d surely send him to the looney bin.

Although, he already feels like he’s there. Every night he’ll look up at the stars and talk to Phil; tell him about his day, if anything happened at school, how he’s feeling, anything. Of course, there’s never a response. No sign of Phil.

Dan won’t give up hope. He knows that Phil will find a way back to him. He always does.

He sits down in Phil’s chair, now brought closer to the window, and starts his nightly ritual. “Hey, Phil.” He whispers, “I miss you. Today was alright at school. Had a pop quiz but it was easy so I didn’t freak out too much.” He laughs, then his smile fades, fingers petting the top of the little plasticine lion. “Mum’s worried about me. I know she wants to know about that night, but I don’t know how to tell her without sounding crazy.”

“I just-“ Dan bites his lip, holding the lion to his chest, “I wish I knew for sure if you were coming back or not. It’d be so much easier if I had some kind of sign.” Dan gazes up at the sky, watching for an extra twinkle in the stars or a shape in the clouds, anything that could mean something.

That’s when Dan’s heart flutters and the air leaves his lungs. His eyes follow a streak of white, falling from the sky and down to earth. He thinks maybe he’s just seeing things; wishful thinking, but as the light goes beyond the horizon of the houses he hears a small boom and he knows he has to go see. He grabs a hoodie and practically jumps out the window.

~

Dan’s lungs feel like they’re bursting as he runs up the hill, the smoke making him cough and eyes water. The falling object has landed right next to the tree at the top; the same tree Phil had been leaning against over a month ago. He gets to the top and can see the disrupted dirt scattered about, taking a deep breath before he finally peers into the small crater.

His knees buckle, falling to the ground and clasping his hands over his mouth. The figure in the center of the mess tries to get up. Failing and just sitting there, arms hanging at his sides. His back looks incredibly burnt, two big scorch marks on his shoulder blades but the rest of him just looks filthy, dirt and soot covering his used to be pure white clothes.

Dan tries to speak but only emits a squeak, just loud enough for the man to hear; turning his head to Dan and looking up at him with familiar blue eyes. “Dan?”

Dan tries to say something again but can’t, instead nodding his head furiously before scrambling over to him. He lands back down on his bum in front of Phil, still not believing his own eyes that Phil is here. He’s back. He came back for him. “W-what happened?”

“Heaven tried to make sure you died on time and… I got in the way again. They weren’t happy.” Phil shrugs then immediately regrets the motion, pain shooting up his back. “I was taken before a counsel and tried for my crimes.”

“Are you ok?” Dan blurts out, trying to look for injuries under all the dirt.

“I’m fine.” Phil breathes, “After all was said and done and I expressed some opinions that… aren’t quite appropriate for an angel, they banished me. Uriel wasn’t too pleased that I only got banishment,” he laughs sadly, “but at least he had fun tearing my wings off.”

Dan’s eyes widen, a look of horror. “Your wings? They-“

Phil nods. “Tearing off an angel’s wings is taking their power and their status symbol. It also makes them fall.”

Dan can’t fathom the pain Heaven put Phil through. He can’t imagine getting a limb torn off then being cast down to Earth; a burning star hitting the ground so hard you could be crushed. “Phil, I’m so sorry for everything. Everything they put you through is because of me and I kept pushing you and getting you in trouble.” Dan hold his head in his hands, unable to look at Phil. He doesn’t deserve to.

“Dan, it’s alright.” Phil says, “I wanted to fall.”

Dan looks at Phil like he’s gone mad. “What? Why? You lost your powers! You’ll never be able to go back to Heaven again.”

“Exactly.” Phil smiles, holding up his hand.

Dan looks from his face to his hand, unsure. Slowly, he holds up his own hand, bringing it to touch Phil’s. His hand actually touches Phil’s. Dan can barely breathe, fingers carefully moving between Phil’s, lacing and holding tight. He’s solid and his hand is cold and clammy but he doesn’t care. “So… you’re human now? You’re really human?” Dan never thought this day would come. He never thought he’d have this day at all.

Phil nods and Dan can’t wait any longer, grabbing Phil’s tattered shirt and pulling him into a kiss. Their lips actually collide and he doesn’t care that he may be crying at the same time or that Phil’s face is dirty because this is the best feeling in the world. Phil’s lips fit perfectly against his, and are soon pressing back, soft and loving.

Dan never wants to stop but Phil pulls back, catching his breath. “I have to remember to breathe now.” He laughs.

Dan laughs, too, wiping away his tears. “I just can’t believe you gave up being an angel for me.”

Phil smirks, “Well, you’ll have plenty of time to make it up to me because now you’re stuck with me. I’m never leaving you again.”


End file.
